By PAM BELLUCK

BOSTON - Four years after Massachusetts became the first state to allow gay couples to marry, there have been blissful unions, painful divorces and everything in between.
Some same-sex couples say being married has made a big difference, and some say it has made no difference at all. There are devoted couples who have decided marriage is not for them, couples whose lawyers or accountants advised them against marrying, and couples in which one partner wants to marry but the other does not.
But as same-sex marriage begins in California, Massachusetts¡¯s experience may offer hints of what is to come. For example, after an initial euphoric rush to the altar, the number of gay weddings here fell sharply and has declined each year since.
Gay men and lesbians say the early wave of weddings reflected ¡°pent-up demand¡± from longstanding couples. The subsequent numbers indicate that ¡°marriage isn¡¯t for everybody,¡± said Mary L. Bonauto, a lawyer who argued the case that led to same-sex marriage being legalized here. ¡°There¡¯s only so many gay people in Massachusetts,¡± she added.
Lawyers say same-sex couples are more likely to draw up prenuptial agreements than straight couples are. For some, the marriage learning curve is steep.
¡°It¡¯s been a mixed bag,¡± said Jacob Venter, a 44-year-old child psychiatrist who married Billy Boney, a 36- year-old hairdresser, a month after it became legal to do so. They have disagreements over money, the in-laws and whether to adopt children or have their own.
¡°Nothing turns out the way you imagine,¡± Mr. Venter said. ¡°There are no role models for gay marriage.¡±
Heather and Adrienne Walker believe people better understand the seriousness of their relationship, recognition that is especially valuable to them as mothers of four children in Natick, a suburb about 35 kilometers west of Boston.
¡°Before marriage was legal, if I called Adrienne my wife, people would say ¡®Your what?¡¯¡± Heather Walker said. ¡°But if you say partner, they¡¯re thinking business partner. The knowledge that we are legally married, that they can¡¯t play a semantics game, is very freeing.
Lance Collins, 38, a colorist at a Boston hair salon, said: ¡°It makes me completely think differently about the relationship.¡± He envisions his perfect wedding (grooms in jeans and T-shirts), but his partner does not want to marry. ¡°I know he cares about me quite a bit,¡± Mr. Collins said. ¡°I just think he doesn¡¯t want to.¡±
But their marriage chasm worries him. ¡°Maybe I should move out and maybe that will make him appreciate me,¡± Mr. Collins said.
Some couples are drawing on a creative definition of family forged while living ¡°outside mainstream society,¡± said Joyce Kauffman, a family lawyer and gay activist. ¡°They¡¯ve incorporated whatever¡¯s outside the box into their marriage.¡±
Eric Erbelding and his husband, Michael Peck, both 44, see each other only every other weekend because Mr. Peck works in Pittsburgh. So, Mr. Erbelding said, ¡°Our rule is you can play around because, you know, you have to be practical.¡±
Mr. Erbelding, a decorative painter in Boston, said: ¡°I think men view sex very differently than women. Men are pigs, they know that each other are pigs, so they can operate accordingly. It doesn¡¯t mean anything.¡±
Some same-sex spouses have split up, including Julie and Hillary Goodridge, the lead plaintiffs in the case that paved the way for same-sex marriage in the state.
¡°Lesbian and gay couples get divorced for the same reasons that heterosexual couples do,¡± Ms. Kauffman said. ¡°Honestly the only thing that is different is that some people rushed to get married without thinking it through just because they could. It was an incredibly heady historical moment, and some people probably made the decision hastily.

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