"I am so disappointed," Soon Nim said at the beginning of our last session. "I went to see Maria and learned that she has transferred to LA. Now, how am I ever going to tell her how thankful I am for what she has done for me, and how much I appreciated her?"

Soon Nim looked very sad.

"How about you telling me more about her, and all the good work she has done for you," I suggested.

When Soon Nim was arrested for possessing illegal drugs, her life was "completely out of control to the point of losing my mind," she said. Her path to recovery began in jail.

"Maria was my first counselor who visited me in my jail cell," she said.

Soon Nim described Maria as very dedicated, supportive, and patient toward her. For the last few sessions, Soon Nim has talked about her intention to visit Maria. So, we have often discussed "actually doing" instead of just talking about it.

"I should have gone to see her earlier. It is too late now," Soon Nim said.

"Is it really too late?" I asked. "Sometimes, we lose that moment, and think there¡¯s no other chance to make it up. But, I am wondering if there¡¯s another way of paying back that gratitude - perhaps to someone else. I think that can be considered returning what we have received."

Soon Nim decided to do something "good" as a way to pay back Maria¡¯s generosity. Because of her tendency of social isolation, and her avoidance of potential negative gossip, Soon Nim has been refusing to say, "yes" to anyone who asked for her help. With that in mind, she chose to make a conscious decision to help a couple of elderly Koreans in her apartment complex.

"I took one of them to Social Security Office and translated for her," Soon Nim is busy reporting what she did for the last week. " And, I took the other old lady to the eye doctor in the hospital. Compared to them, I am still much younger. So I am a leader," she said, laughing.

Although she can¡¯t read, Soon Nim speaks fluent English. Besides, she has a charming approach to people, and she is well liked. These qualities and her incredible survival ability, I thought many times, came from her inner wisdom.

"On the way here, a homeless-like-person got on the bus and sat next to me," she said, her eyes sparkling. "My God, he was stinky, but immediately I had a thought: OI could have been like him.¡¯ Then, I thanked God and prayed for the man."

"I believe that God put me here. I used to think I didn¡¯t deserve God¡¯s love because I did so many bad things. I was so ashamed I couldn¡¯t ask Him anything," Soon Nim said.

"So, shame kept you to away from God," I said.

"That¡¯s right. When I am ashamed of something I turn away from everything, and end up hating myself. But now, I know God always loves, and I can even ask Him to help others." We sat quietly for a long time while I was thinking of giving her a hug.

Soon Nim recounts that her sadness and loneliness led her to enter the destructive side of her life. She also talked about how her emotional pain has been eased through praying.

In an ordinary day, she experiences her renewed self in an extraordinary way, through watching other people¡¯s tragedies and getting herself in touch in God¡¯s love. Soon Nim has shown me many small signs of her "new self".

Often, I think that life and death are in our hands: we can make ourselves as awaken beings as well as part of the walking dead. By cleansing the windows of our perception, we find that contentment and disappointment stand side by side

I have witnessed her past rebuilt, from a well of almost unbearable sadness and anger, to a well filled with compassion and the gift of love. The process has its own rhythm, emptying and filling. I see Soon Nim breathing again; I feel her life¡¯s palpation.

A new day has dawned for Soon Nim to live to the fullest. She no longer stands on the road to self-demoralizing and self-destruction.

It is time to celebrate that transformation.

"Dr. Choi, I will try to give a testimony at an NA [Narcotics Anonymous] meeting. I know I am shy, but I¡¯ve been asked several times. Oh, what about my broken English?" Soon Nim hesitated.

"Worry about your English? That¡¯s a real excuse," I said. We both laughed.

Whether we are ready or not, life¡¯s circumstances force us to change and move on. If we are sensitive and tune into our inner voice and work on ourselves, we will know when to fly out of an invisible prison and make a giant leap. Such a deep change can transform us.

Indeed, it is a therapist¡¯s joy to witness such a transformation. Life has so many surprises, unfolding for us each day.


Dr. Beatrice Sool Choi is a clinical psychologist at the Richmond Area Multi Services (RAMS) in San Francisco. She can be reached at (415) 668-5955 ex. 39 or RAMS
3626 Balboa Street, San Francisco, CA 94121.