An old Korean proverb states, "Good words can liquidate a thousand debts." This proverb speaks clearly about the power of words, reminding us this importance time and time again. Unfortunately, while we know about that, sometimes, we forget.

"I can? stand it anymore," said Mrs. Lee with tearful voice. "My husband uses the words that are like needles, inflicting pain all over my body. I often doubt myself. Why am I wasting my life, living in such an undesirable way? I wish I could just disappear from the world. I feel worthless."

Her husband has physically abused Mrs. Lee ever since the beginning of their marriage.

"I used to believe if I do things that please him do ten good things, he will stop beating me," she said. But more than thirty years later, she is still faced with the same dilemma.

"You can? predict what he will do next," Mrs. Lee said, about her recalling memories as if they happened yesterday. It seemed these vivid and picturesque memories recycle their course, giving her headache, heartache and bitterness in the mouth. "Even on his good days, I had to tiptoe around him because I had no clue what would set him off."

Mrs. Lee suffers from severe depression, resentment toward her husband, and anger toward herself. On one hand, she is stocked with a strong belief that her depression is caused by her husband, but, on the other hand, she is angry with her helpless self.

"Sometimes, his words are like a sharp knife," she said. "It penetrates right through my heart. If I tell him what I am feeling, he will never understand what I mean."

Mrs. Lee complained that her husband "spits out words" without thinking, without knowing how hurtful they were to her. "He used to say I was stupid, especially in front of our children. "

Although her husband is not as physically violent as he used to be, Mrs. Lee mentioned his recent emotional abuse during a counseling session with me.

"He told me that I was the cause of his business failure, I caused the ?nger disease that infected his mother, and I broke his family relationship," she said, adding that hearing her husband lash out at her like that made her feel like she was being stabbed repeatedly.

"Do you believe what your husband said? Are you that powerful to cause the failure of his business, and give the ?nger disease to your mother-in-law? Do you think you can make all that happen?" I asked her sincerely. My question puzzled her; she was silent.

On the following session, we discussed what words were meaningful to her or not, and what to take in or not. We explored the reasons of keeping her husband? ¡°spitting out" words deep inside of her heart, and the reasons of accepting and allowing herself to be stabbed by his words.

Often times, words alone send chills and jitters through the bones of people. Some words penetrate us in various ways by hurting and stimulating us. When we hear certain words, we interpret them through our experiences, and we filter them through our own thoughts and moods. Even the same words, they can hurt us more when we are not in a good mood.

Words carry unconscious meanings, emotions, deeper motives and needs. As words can bring out negative power from us, they give us immeasurable healing power as well. Words, like living organisms, can powerfully penetrate us. Through words, we can give and receive each other energy, love and hope. Words are the tools that create dynamic, living relationships when we interact with others.

However, when we talk to others, we are not very conscious of what we are saying. In general, we tend to respond mechanically and habitually. This kind of deeply embedded habitual, direct, and automatic response to others can hurt, stab, and create chilling heartache.

When we are conscious of choosing words with a respectful attitude, our words can become a living power; create healing power, and melt a heart mess (han). Like this, words are associated with events, and emotions.

In choice of words, we can evaluate people level of education, and attitude toward others. Through words we can not only violate people rights, make insulting comments, discourage others, but praise, motivate, and hope. Words have immeasurable power.

In psychotherapy, we give words to clients emotions, and assist them to give words to their unspeakable experiences. Through that process, our words can give different meanings to their understanding of experience. It can lift them from long-standing miseries. When we make paradigm shift and reframe the situation, we gain insight, we understand our bodily words, and we can make a sense of chaos.

Today, this I can tell to Mrs. Lee. As she deeply understands the negative power of her husband? words, she can learn to disempower his words by giving herself positive words. She has a choice of not giving serious weight to his words. She can refuse to believe what he has been telling her for a long time. It will take time and awareness, but together we can make it when she is ready.

Maturity comes from awareness Wisdom is not what we know, but how and when to say what we know.

Words can destroy us, yet words also give us hope to go through life countless struggles.


Dr. Beatrice Sool Choi is a registered psychologist at the Richmond Area Multi Services (RAMS) in San Francisco. She can be reached at (415) 668-5955 ex. 39 or
RAMS
3626 Balboa Street, San Francisco, CA 94121.